Gearing up.

I recently read an essay that a woman wrote about her first pregnancy and the things we forget about being a new mom.

"Can I see this little one?" said a smiling voice at my shoulder. I turned around so that the older woman behind me could peek at the tiny creature nestled against my poop-stained shirt. She sighed, looked deep into my bloodshot eyes, and asked, "Aren't you just on cloud nine?"

I can remember people saying these type of things to me and feeling torn up because the response I wanted to give was, "No. Is that how I'm supposed to feel because right now I'm absolutely exhausted all he does is cry and eat and no one can help me feed him because he absolutely refuses to take a bottle. So, No, I'm not on cloud nine....Not even close." Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved Emery with all of my heart, but being a first time mom was not "fun" like most people try to portray. 

I can remember feeling SO alone. At the time we had just moved back to Missouri with a 2 week old baby and didn't have a place of our own yet because we were waiting to hear from a few jobs until we decided we were staying in Missouri. When Emery was about 2 1/2 months old we finally settled on a job and were able to get our own place. That helped in a sense that if Emery was up all night crying, which happened a lot,  the only people it was bothering was myself and my husband. 

For many other reasons I still felt quite alone. Being a stay at home mom for the first year of Emery's life was the hardest job I had ever had in my life. My husband had something close to his dream job and was getting to interact with people all day long and I was at home, rarely getting to take a shower or have a moment to myself. When my husband would come home and tell me about his day and what he accomplished I thought to myself I didn't even get laundry done or I'm still in the clothes I was wearing yesterday. 

I didn't have anything interesting to say to my husband the only things in my repertoire were poop habits, if Emery took a nap, or what he had for lunch... 

Now I'm faced with going through this a second time, but a few things are different this time. I now know what to expect bringing home a newborn. I threw away my rose colored glasses. I have a toddler to chase after in edition to being at Cecilia's beckon call. We do have our own place and a stable job going into this. I am staying home with my children this time around not because we moved too late in the hiring season to find an elementary teaching job for myself, but because we've decided that this is the best route for our family. 

I'm hoping that given what I know about bringing home a baby that I will be able to move through this transition with more fluidity. I do know that I have a soon to be 3 year old little boy that doesn't need to see his mommy break down because his world is going to be turned upside down. I also feel like whether or not the first time was symptoms of PPD or just the newness and adjustment of being a new mother I am not afraid to ask for help. 

I am self admittedly too hard on myself. I have for some reason or another felt the need to be this "perfect mom" someone who feels like her kids need to be on their best behavior all the time and I realize that it's too much. It's hard for me to release control and go with the flow because I feel like I need to have a handle on what's going on in my life. I used to feel like I was such an easy going person and that if you needed someone that was pretty laid back, I was your girl. I would be lying if I said that today. 

Children do something to you. For nine months you carry them with you and are able to keep them safe and dictate their every movements. Then, in the blink of an eye your baby is out in the world and it's like your heart is on the outside of your body wandering around. It's a very scary feeling. 

With all of this being said, I am very excited for this next chapter in our lives. Although Emery was a very fussy baby, he is a wonderful toddler, so very loving. I cannot imagine my life without him. I know Cecilia will be a wonderful addition to our family as well. 

I'll leave a link to the essay I read that brought back so many memories that I hadn't completely forgotten yet.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/before-i-forget-what-nobody-remembers-about-new-motherhood/274981/

Pregnancy thus far...35/35

Today marks the 35th week of pregnancy, which also means on paper I have 35 days left as well. We all know that is a fluke and Cecilia could make her debut whenever she feels like it. There have been several things different about this pregnancy than there were with my pregnancy with Emery.

1. When I was pregnant with Emery I was sick for 3 months straight (morning, noon, and night). With this pregnancy, however, it wasn't nearly as tough on me. I was still sick, but I had some medicine that seemed to help out a bit. 
2. Last time I didn't have a toddler to chase after all day long. After work I could just come home and put my feet up. Not so with this pregnancy, although I love it.
3. My body has been MUCH more achy this pregnancy. I feel like an old lady and the pressure is HORRIBLE. 
4. I feel much bigger this time around than I did with Emery (pretty sure it has something to do with all the biscuit and gravy cravings from McDonald's...)
5. My skin early on and even in the second trimester has been a lot worse this time. With Emery my skin was flawless.... Cecilia has taken that away from me this pregnancy. It's much better now that we're in the 3rd trimester though. 

I'm feeling much more prepared this go around knowing what to expect. It also helps to have our own place and not to be moving half-way across the country after this baby is born. *Sigh of relief.

Colby just accepted a new job within the Art Department right where he wants to be. I'm extremely happy for him and for our family because that means that we'll get to stick around for quite awhile here with our families. It also means HOUSE HUNTING!

We've both been so excited looking online for a house, but its so scary at the same time!

Things are falling into place. :)

The Birth Story...

I originally created this blog to have an outlet during college, and since then haven't really had the time to update. The blog has really changed from being my soap box, where I could say whatever I pleased to being a way for me to look back on these times with Emery and remember. So why not start with the birth story. :)

First let me start off by saying that Colby and I knew that we were cutting it pretty close with our due date, May 1st. We were in Washington at the time while Colby was attending Grad School and he was due to graduate on May 8th, 2010. This was nothing out of the ordinary for us, we tend to do everything all at once. *Recall back to when we got married- We graduated with our bachelors, I taught kindergarten until the day of our wedding rehearsal, got married the next day, went on our honeymoon the next morning, got back from the honeymoon on a Sunday, Started teaching summer school on the following Monday... We hit the ground running. Always.

Anyways, we knew it would be cutting it close because we were already set to move back to Missouri on May 9th...Mother's Day. I didn't want to fly across the country with a baby that was a couple of days old (in case I went late), so we opted to have our baby induced.

We were being induced on Friday, April 23rd, and I worked until the night before. Friday morning came and Colby's Mom had flown out in anticipation for the arrival of her first grand baby. We shopped for baby things, made sure the bag was packed, went out for my "last meal", and that evening nestled into the hospital room where it was all about to happen, which I would like to add was a very nice "homey" room.

The nurse walked in and explained to me that she was going to check my cervix and see if I had dilated any since my last doctor's appointment. Then she put the gloves on and SWEET MERCY...I thought I was going to crawl up the walls...I knew I was in for a very long night. She told me that I was barely dilated to a 1 and that I wasn't even 50% effaced. How in the world did I go from 90% to 50%? She seemed annoyed that the doctor would let me be induced and let me know that she thought I was going to be in the hospital for a while, if not sent home and then have to come back after the 2 days of rest.

She left us alone after that and said to let her know if I needed anything. Around 3 a.m I woke up to contractions, Colby was asleep and his Mom had went back to our apartment to rest. I didn't want to wake Colby up because I didn't think we had anything serious going on at that point.

5:00 A.M- Didn't feel that great, woke up Colby and told him I was ready to sit in the jacuzzi pool to relax.

6:00 A.M - Colby lets his mom know what's going on and the nurse comes in to check me again. I'm moving right along at 2-3 cm

7:00ish A.M- I start puking.... with EVERY contraction! Uhhh Misery... Until the nurse gives me something in my IV that nearly makes me fall out of bed.

8:00 A.M- I'm being bombarded with phone calls from my Sister, and Mom :) Love you guys!

9:00 A.M- The nurse is concerned that I am going to be one of those moms that GO FAST...and keeps asking me if I feel pressure and If I want an epidural.... I say I'm not sure, she calls the anesthesiologist anyways.

9:30 A.M- The anesthesiologist arrives and we decide to go ahead with an epidural even though it wasn't in our "plans". He was amazing, it didn't hurt at all. Everything feels fine so Colby and his Mom go to get something from the cafeteria.

9:35 A.M- The epidural only numbs my right side and I can feel ALL THE CONTRACTIONS on my left. So I hit the button to give me more medicine....It didn't work. Colby's mom comes back into the room and I explain that I need hands to hold.... NOW. And we're breathing....

The rest of the time really feels like a blur. I know we're breathing, and I'm doing a damn good job at that, but time sort of flies out the window. Around 11:00 or 11:30 the anesthesiologist comes back to try and help our situation, but to no avail. It just makes the right side even more numb and now I can't move that leg. Somewhere during this the doctor breaks my water.

The nurse comes in to check me and Freaks out and starts asking if I feel pressure and explains that she can feel the baby's head very close.... and calls for the doctor. At this point the doctor asks me to push a few times to see if we make any progress...and then tells me that she wants to let the epidural wear off because I can't tell what I'm doing.

We wait for what seems like forever, I explain that I'm going to start inventing some new curse words. Everyone laughs, but I'm serious.

The doctor comes back and I am able to start pushing and I can REALLY feel it now. Pressure, YES I FEEL PRESSURE! Panic sets in as I tell them to just get him OUT! I push for less than 30 minutes and at 1:11 that afternoon he's here...

He's absolutely beautiful and never in my life have things been so still. Everything about him was amazing. My first words to him, "Hi love, I'm your mommy."

Nearing the end or beginning?

Colby and I have two days before we're in the hospital being induced. *DEEP BREATH*

It is such a crazy thing to try and wrap my head around the fact that in a few short days this little baby I've been carrying around with me for nine months will be in my arms. It's so scary to think that he will never again be as safe as I can keep him right now. I guess it's a "mom" thing.

I cannot wait to meet him, see what features of the two of us he'll have, what his personality will be like, be able to kiss his little face and hands, I cannot wait to be a mom!

This is such a huge change and when people ask me if I'm ready, how am I supposed to answer that? All I know is that I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and tell him that even though life is rough, you'll always have your mommy and daddy here to love you.

When he's here I will be posting pictures of baby Emery Jack.

Hair

So today I had this thought that I'm 2 days away from going to the hospital to be induced and I have lots to do and OH I need to get my hair cut NOW! I've been growing my hair out for some time and it was just long enough to get it into a ponytail and keep it there with a few bobby pins. I was just going to get a trim, and got there and decided I have so many changes going on in my life right now... why not change my hair too?!

I think the girl doing my hair was still stoned from her 4-20 escapades from the night before.

I say this because when she turned the chair around to show me her work... I think I may have gasp and slammed both hands on the top of my head. I know she wasn't expecting the look I gave, but I looked like Bozo the clown. You remember him right? The clown with the hair that was 3 times the size of his head....yeah, that was me. I was desperately trying to flatten it down to my head and needed to get out of the chair because I thought if I didn't get out of there I may say some things that weren't so nice (*since that seems to be the norm now that I'm pregnant).

I'm not saying it's horrible, but it isn't at all what I wanted. I think it will be more manageable with the baby, and hair grows back, right?

* It's not that I've become a mean pregnant lady, it's not like that at all. I just tend to have a no tolerance for bull shit sort of attitude. I can't help it, and I think I like myself better this way. Things that I just went with don't really fly anymore... I think I'm toughening up!

Christmas 2009

Well we survived Christmas! We went back home for 2 weeks so family could see the belly bump and had a fabulous time, it never seems long enough, yet it's exhausting to travel back and forth!

Among the many things planned this time home was a baby shower, which was a lot of fun. We got all kinds of things for our baby boy. I'll have to post some pictures, he is going to be one handsome little man! Hopefully he'll be in the 3 months clothes for a while, because that's his whole wardrobe as of now :)

We have picked out a name for him (I think), finally, but we're not telling which one we're using. It's between: Lincoln Cole, and Emery Jack. Input would be nice, I've been trying to think of all the nicknames/horrible names that can come from these when he's in school and haven't come up with anything too horrible :) I would hate to curse him with something awful!

Tell me what you think!

Oh Boy!

Colby and I had our big ultrasound on Wednesday, December 9th and it was so amazing. I've been pretty kept together when it comes to this baby and haven't really cried except when I found out I was pregnant...lots of emotions going on... But this was the kicker. It wasn't like a flood of tears more like, " Oh, an arm bone...it's so beautiful. (wipe tear)"

It was such an amazing feeling seeing our baby moving around and knowing that everything looked healthy.

Here is the ultrasound picture of our SON, he is so beautiful!

Bump watch 2009-2010!

So my morning sickness has started to subside. I can actually eat now at night and feel pretty good in the morning. I am, however, battling a sinus infection/chest cold I cannot get over it. I have a humidifier with vicks vapor in our bedroom and I have to tell you it smells like an old folks home in my townhouse. Poor Colby. I have had vicks under my nose and on my chest every night for weeks! My nose is driving me crazy, if I could get away with sticking a kleenex in my nose for the day I WOULD!

But.... other than the chesty cold/cough I'm fantastic. I cannot believe that I have a little person growing in me! That is the most bizarre thing, I walk past the mirror in the bathroom and take a double take. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! I am 2 days from being 13 weeks- when the baby's ears are developed enough to hear me. You better believe this little baby will be listening to some Bob Marley and I might even throw in some Elvis Presley.... We need to be well rounded. :)

I never thought I would reach a point in pregnancy where I felt this great. I cannot even describe to you the way I feel. I've always wondered what it would be like and I cannot believe this is my life right now. Complete bliss.

What's New?

Oh Internet,

I have had morning sickness.... I'm talking MORNING SICKNESS, run, tripping through the bed sheets to the bathroom, morning sickness! One thing I've learned about this whole process is that morning sickness is not just "morning" sickness. Oh no, it's all day long sickness. I had bruises from where I was leaning into the toilet. one on each wrist and one right in the center of my chest. I was a hot mess.

I have found though with a routine, that I do NOT change, I can manage this crippling sickness. I have been feeling a lot better this week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that maybe the worst days are over.... (knock on wood) Other pregnant women I've talked to just frown and say, "Oh you poor thing, you're only 7 weeks... you have such a long way to go!" Oy!

Our due date was originally May 7th, 2010, but has since been moved up to May 1st. Maybe we'll have a May day baby. :) One thing is for sure, this is going to be a very interesting/exciting/trying year.

Love,

June's #2

Who can keep a secret??

I'm not sure how many people even read this blog, but if you do follow my erratic posts then I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Before I tell you this secret, I am going to first say that if you are also my friend on facebook...please do not post anything to my wall, but feel free to send me a message in my inbox :)

We are expecting a new addition to our family. Due date April/May-ish. We are absolutely FLOORED! We are very very excited and even though it's still very very early on in this journey, I had to scream it to the Internet!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!