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Springfield, Missouri, United States
Char-Marie * Twenty-Nine * College Grad * Stay at Home Mommy * Web Designer * My Husband Colby * My Son Emery * Friends * Family * Yoga * Sweet tea * Shoes * Shopping * Music * Independent Films * Sushi * Mimosa * My nieces Maggie and Macee * Missouri

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

I Hope There Are Guitars In Heaven




And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
--Revelation 21:4














For the past two weeks I've been dazed. I don't really even know how to begin this entry, so i'll begin here. Uncle Daddy. Uncle Daddy..... I gave him that name 20 years ago. I woke up at five in the morning to talking.. My mom, my late grandmother, and my "dad". I was talking to him, looking for candy in his pockets..the usual greeting for my dad when he came home from the road. Another comes in that morning.... my "dad". I was confused. It turned out that the first person there that night was my Uncle. My dad's twin. It was the first time I had seen him. I thought he was my dad. So after a while my dad asked me who he was and stated, "daddy." Then he pointed to my uncle and asked who he was... I said, "Uncle Daddy." Its been with him ever since. Just a week and a half ago I had to relive that story at his funeral. The absolute heart break I feel is simply unbearable. Never did I think that I'd be without him. To me my dad and my uncle daddy have been invincible. To see a man of his stature fall...there are no words. I remember the day that he died. He was talking to me about a time when he came down from Alaska and I had him digging in my toy box for a certain toy....That toy happened to be at the bottom of the box. I can remember him telling me that story a lot through out all the stories he's told me, and going through his pictures (I found the one to the right) of the very story he was telling me.

He went through so much pain and struggles thoughout his life, and he kept on going. Even to the very end. We watched gunsmoke the day he passed away- he had to have it on because thats what he did on Sundays. So we watched gunsmoke and talked about the past. That day he was put on oxygen and started to feel a lot better. I thought everything was going to be ok. He started feeling better and things started looking up. I left to go and find a game that he enjoyed playing and was in such a daze when I left that I didnt say goodbye. I thought that he was asleep in my room when I left. Later on my sister said he was wide awake. Did he wait for me to come to say goodbye too? That is something i'll never find out. I just left and I'll never get the chance to say goodbye. I'll never ever forgive myself. How could I just leave without saying goodbye, kissing him on the forehead---anything? I will regret this for the rest of my life. I loved him with all of my heart, and I know that he knew I loved him as well. It's just the pain that won't go away. Everytime I see his pictures, his wooden jewelry boxes he made me, his shirts that are still hanging in my closet. Sometimes I walk into my room and open my closet because I can still smell his shirts. Everything reminds me of him.

My dad gave a great speech at the funeral. I know that he's hurting. He told me that he feels that half of him has been ripped away. I can never say that I understand what he's going through. I am just here for backup. I know that everything reminds him of Uncle Daddy. Looking in the mirror would be a reminder in itself. I guess all I really want to get across is how much life is taken for granted. People aren't always going to be there. People fade away. Just make sure that they know that you love them and that you always tell your family that you love them and goodbye. I'll never get that chance again. He had a heart of gold, and would have literally given you the shirt off his back.

So here's to Uncle Daddy--- May there be guitars in heaven. I love you.

Please look down on us.